Thursday, April 28, 2005

call me a c0ward. call me whatever y0u want.
cuz such critics are s0mewhat true. sigh.

aye.

abdicated h0pes arent easy to retrive.
i've been musing.
yet what strikes me is still fear.
fear 0f rejecti0n.
fear 0f being neglected.
yea 0ne sh0uldn't live in the past.
but the unnerving past cann0t be forsaken easily.
it's t0o real.
h0w much time d0 i need
t0 accept it 0nce again.

a relati0nship with0ut trust cann0t go far.
i've n0 ill-intents t0 hurt any0ne.
yet things always d0nt seem to g0 the way we want it t0 be.

sigh.

i cant give y0u a definite reply.
cuz i've n0 idea what i want myself.
perhaps i've n0 guts t0 face reality.
i resent n0t being able t0 trust.
i resent having d0ubts ab0ut others.
but what y0u'd sh0wn unf0rtunately...
is that y0u cant be trusted.
y0u never mean whatever y0u say.
y0u've never given me any pr0mises.
cuz y0u kn0w y0u cant keep them.
there's a lack 0f sercurity.

i d0nt want t0 feel this way.
but...
i've t0 protect myself fr0m this hard and cruel w0rld.i
i'm willing t0 set y0u free.
cuz y0u d0nt have to underg0 such tormenting treatment.

aye...

0nce cl0se...
0nce able t0 babble ab0ut everything under the sun
0nce able to get al0ng relatively well
0nce able to share th0ughts and views
once g0od friends...
bo0~
n0thing lasts f0rever.
n0t even 0ur friendship.
its sad.
cuz the cause 0f it is s0mething i'm n0t able to comprehend.
its ridiculous.
yet, i let it happen.
cuz i kn0w if i f0ught it'd be a l0sing battle.
so there y0u go.
the way y0u l0ck y0urself away fr0m me
has caused me t0 lock myself away fr0m y0u to0.
the rueful feeling is resentful.
s0 there y0u go...

take me with you
9:51 AM

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

*smugs*

the feeling 0f l0neliness has been overwhelming recently.
em0tionally that is.
in the presence 0f pe0ple, i strike 0thers as a free spirit.
but when i'm al0ne with n0 0ne else but my shad0w, these crappy em0tions engulf me.
i d0nt resent being al0ne.
but it scares me.

anyway...

vict0ry went t0 mj t0day. glad f0r them.
and i'm s0 sick 0f sch0ol. the w0rkload is never ending. the th0ught of it is truly depressing.

yea. i have absolutely zer0 idea what hansel's d0ing. or rather, what's in his mind. he seems t0 be misleading me or perhaps himself? shrugs. as i said, i've n0 intenti0n t0 be a third party. i'll have t0 be real cautious. when handling him that is haha~...madness...

i d0nt know why i keep c0mparing myself t0 her. i kn0w its senseless and unnecessary yet i just cant seem t0 control h0w i'm feeling. i was t0ld by s0meone that there's s0mething he sees in me thats missing in her. stuff like that. yep i kn0w. i d0 understand. but why the heck is this happening! it pisses me 0ff at times. i'm mad at myself. grumps. then others will tell me stuff like...y0u're beautiful in y0ur own ways etc~ yap i kn0w all these. i just cant c0ntrol. zZz~... its crazy la... i hate t0 be compared by others yet i'm c0mparing myself t0 her?! such a contradictory. oh man. gotta buck up.

she may be what i'm n0t. but i'm what she's n0t to0. accept me f0r wh0 i am. if n0t my w0rld d0esnt welc0me or need you. you might be w0ndering who this girl is. his girl.

oh plss. its n0t even w0rth it thats why i'm s0 not happy ab0ut it.

pouts. i'm feeling emptyyyy...

take me with you
1:53 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2005

ch0rtles.

just completed the e-lecture 0n peri0dicity.

152 slides okay.

and i spent a frigging 20 mins trying t0 l0cate the file.
and 0ther 1hr45mins t0 c0mplete the wh0le damn thing.

and my back is aching.
eyes are strained.

i feel like an old rag.

yawnsss~...

take me with you
1:04 PM

relinquishment of fantasies.

its cl0se to imp0ssible t0 bridge out the gap thats widening between us.

so.

it's all my fault that i cant bring myself t0 trust y0u.

the ag0ny inflicted has caused me t0 be on my guard.
it has taught me t0 depend 0n n0b0dy but myself.

so it's my fault that i cant bring myself t0 believe y0u?

no.

it's my sheer stupidity f0r trusting y0u right fr0m the very beginning.

take me with you
9:34 AM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

the nati0nals is finally over. at least f0r us. hah. s0rry to say that we l0st to tpjc. we c0uld have won. seri0us. blah~ anyway we aren't the last HAHA. n0t that i'm feeling entirely despondent but we c0uld have d0ne better. anyway it's 0ver la huh. at least we'd fun and gained s0me experiences ^^

so in the end i didn't meet lai lai. was mr lim instead. same old story. b0ring. haa.

oh right.

stepping d0wn s0on. utterly b0ring. cuz we've t0 f0cus on studies n0w. YAWNZ.

today at yck this 2 tpjcians kept teasing me about h0ward. apparently he was interested in me. whatever it is... whatever.. ya haha~

oh yeah then saw hansel. hah. well at least he commented that it was a g0od game. which i seri0usly think it wasnt. i was able t0 predict the sh0ts that were c0ming my way. yet i didn't react. he's right. i'd n0 c0nfidence in myself. sucks~ comtemplating n0w whether i sh0uld g0 for the finals with him. er as spectator. HAHA. like...s0 extra~ haha... n0t much interest t0o. n0t as if mj's in the finals muhaha~...

yawns. s0 sians. life n0w in t0tally lifeless. what an ir0ny. HAHA.... wh0 cares~

oh ya my catfish died. there g0es my sister's 200 bucks. whaha~ evil~...

oh ya hansel said that my legs are well-t0ned. i was like...WHAT?! it's full of hidden FATS. s0 wobbly!!! anyway i've decided t0 j0g ar0und the reserv0ir every saturday. starting fr0m next week haa.

he's attached. yet the way he's behaving isn't appropriate. there're stuff which he sh0uldnt say but did. yet he seems t0 kn0w certain things that are lacking in m0st guys. ha. was he dead seri0us or was he just f0oling ar0und. well i h0pe its the latter. still, such guys are despicable. haa. just h0pe n0thing g0es wr0ng la. cuz i have n0 intenti0n t0 be the third party. it sucks horrend0usly.

vjc will be trashed by mjc 0n m0nday (the guys team)! HEHE!

take me with you
5:01 PM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||||||||||| 60%
Stability |||||| 23%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 43%
Empathy |||||| 30%
Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56%
Intellectual |||||| 23%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||| 23%
Religious |||||||||||| 43%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||| 23%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 70%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43%
Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%
Romantic |||||||||| 36%
Avoidant |||||| 30%
Anti-authority |||||| 30%
Wealth |||||||||||| 43%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||| 36%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical security |||||||||||| 43%
Food indulgent |||||||||||| 43%
Histrionic |||||||||| 36%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||||||||||| 56%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem

http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/city.pl

take me with you
11:57 AM

Sunday, April 17, 2005

dreams... they're oh so beautiful
an inexorable yearn t0 reach up high
believing in the imp0ssibles
believing in dreams...

*brust*

reality sets in...

the pain...
the misery...
the exploitations...

who'll alleviate all these...

in fact, i d0nt hate y0u f0r everything
y0u've inflicted in me
and yet fail t0 c0mprehand the depth of abyss

cuz essentially, i'll heal
with an unrem0vable scar.
and daunting mem0ries.

irate
helpless
depressed
these submile after time...

but the tinge of imperfecti0n
lies in believing.

cuz 0f y0u
i n0 l0nger have the c0urage
t0 give a sec0nd chance t0 l0ve.
and give up the gh0st
of the previ0us.

the mem0ry is all t0o hauntingly real

n0w...
believing and trusting
t0 me, they're n0thing but
an essence of hurt...

save me...

take me with you
12:27 PM

Saturday, April 16, 2005

pw results were released this m0rning. yep...after a tedi0us and t0ugh year...haha~ surprisingly we did relatively well. 94% g0t 1s and 2s. can u believe it? last year...i think it was 94% wh0 g0t a 3. muhaha`~ there're quite a few wh0 d0 n0t deserve their grades. or s0 i heard. haha... n0t my gr0up k. ^^ anyway...er ya...perhaps the marking scheme is m0re lenient n0w? or perhaps after a year 0f intensive "training" with the seni0rs, the tut0rs kn0w h0w to help us n0w? er whatever. haha. but it definitely isn't pure sheer luck ok!.. *makes faces*

oh ya...i g0t a 2 by the way. ok lar. cuz i was aiming f0r a 3 since last year after seeing h0w badly last year's c0h0rt did. but well...we're different. i sh0uld have kn0wn. bleah. =p

oh right. s0meone c0mmented that my bl0g's b0ring. c0ntents i think. cuz i d0nt include "bL" in them dia0z~ what's bL? or wh0's bL? haha... essentially, bL is....aiyah d0esnt matter.

HAHA...

i think 0nly 2 pers0ns exlcuding myself kn0w what i'm blabbering ab0ut. yawns...

yayness! i g0t 2 tests next week and a date with lai lai.

-_-!!

take me with you
1:32 PM

Friday, April 15, 2005

ello...been feeling so restless this week. hah...

the silliest thing i did this week was t0 thr0w my s0cks int0 the rubbish bin unintenti0nally instead 0f the basket. damn. Zzz`~

oh yea defeat srjc yesterday ^^ but they were inimical. er this w0rd might be a little crude but their attitude was really bad. hah. whatever. vict0ry went t0 us anyway (:

yawns. school has been lifeless and exhausting. *pouts* lack 0f sleep everyday which results in terrible head spins. grumps. i s0und like an 0ld w0man right. haha...

ok lar i've n0thing t0 talk ab0ut. or rather, i've f0rgotten what i wanted t0 say? haa~

h0w d0 y0u differentiate between truth and lie?
it takes c0urage t0 believe. b
ut believing would 0nly hurt y0urself isnt it.
it requires c0nfidence.
which i seri0usly lack of.
i've l0st everything i used t0 have. c
0nfidence, c0urage, strength.
i'm al0ne. i
n a c0ld and heartless w0rld...

imbecile.

take me with you
10:05 AM

Saturday, April 09, 2005

retarded me and su ern... 0n the way t0 yck f0r squash t0urnament... against... hc! ^^
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

take me with you
2:13 PM

mum's funny.
"g0t 32 for ec0ns? ok what. the paper must had been t0ugh"

HAHA...

d0wn for an appointment with ms lai. sigh. but mum didn't bring down the r0of. thank g0d. instead she was pretty 0pen ab0ut it. think she's pretty understanding. or maybe she d0esnt care? whatever huh. c0nclusi0n is...she''ll n0t gang up with ms lai to bully me. muhaha. p0sitive!

but i'm rather guilty kn0w. chem...i th0ught i'd studied en0ugh. s0 i really didn't put in much eff0rt mugging f0r it. that i've t0 admit. plus p0or time management. i cann0t work when i'm rushed. especially when i'm rushing against time. sian. ec0ns...t0ld you i gave up. think i'll get a tut0r pretty s0on. i cant c0ntinue getting Fs for eek-corn-n0r-mics.

i'm actually pretty disturbed. hmm. crappy feeling. i hate it.

take me with you
10:33 AM

Friday, April 08, 2005

bl0ated!~!~ s0o0ooo fuLL~ its pam's birthday t0day! and she treated us at pizza hut! 12 of us! whaha`~ it was a blast! full 0f craps and...gr0ss stuff. err.. haa. g0t her a sly cat which reaches till her thighs? er dunn0 where haa. LeXonne isnt a small gr0up kn0w. have to get presents f0r everyone. like...s0 br0ke haha`~ then still have t0 treat. and it's n0t a small gr0up!.. HAHA. yawns...

why i rejected giving my number t0 this pizza hut guy is n0t cuz of his appearances whats0ever. firstly, his friend asked f0r it. n0 sincerity. but that's n0t the main p0int. the p0int is...i d0nt understand why do a stranger wants an0ther stranger's number? like...strangers!!! like...aiy0...senseless lar. get what i mean? zZz... s0 weird lar.

anyway it's n0t confirmed whether i've t0 see the vp. sians!!! h0pefully not lar.

after i pen down my th0ughts regarding that pers0n in the previ0us entry, i'm like...starting t0 sh0w it. its n0t that i sc0lded her or what lar. just d0nt wish t0 talk t0 her unless needed t0. is it mean. hai. i'll try t0 c0ntrol my em0tions.

i f0und my wallet!!! so damn lucky! cuz it's the sec0nd time i dropped it in the bus already! singaporeans are s0 nice!!! hee. but i only learnt that s0meone have f0und my wallet after i've made an0ther ez-link card for 19 bucks. sians. but still...HAHA. *beams*

really cant wait f0r A's to end. it's...hai...such a t0rture!!! =\

take me with you
9:42 AM

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

she's alright. but t0o superficial at times. it certainly turns me 0ff when s0meone pushes an0ther pers0n to the fr0nt line in defence of 0neself. i aint saying that 0ne sh0uldnt defend oneself. what im trying t0 put acr0ss is that...in other to save y0urself, is there a need t0 sacrifice s0meone else? why cant y0u just back out silently instead of v0lunteering 0thers? it's a selfish th0ught. definitely n0t some0ne wh0m i can place my trust 0n. and i seriously cant adapt the fact that...she likes t0 make 0thers feel guilty th0ugh 0thers are just d0ing what she's done. she's like always right. and 0thers are always wrong. whats this? can y0u get what i mean n0? grumps. and yes liars are intolerable. at least t0 me. especially s0 what she lies t0 save her face. and she d0es it with0ut a sense 0f guilt? i mean...why lie? when the truth is already kn0wn?

i didnt v0ice 0ut any th0ughts t0 0thers. it's n0t that i hate her. in fact i really d0nt. just that i cant accept certain things. yes n0 one's perfect. but i believe each and every0ne has different pers0nal views regarding similar stuff. friends yes. but g0od friends? s0rry. i've already placed a fence in between us. i've tried. but i really cant bring myself t0 accept her.

ok shall stop bitching...Zzz`~~

lets talk ab0ut sh0wing care and c0ncern t0 s0meone imp0rtant. i've c0me to 2 conclusions why s0me people(eg. the As) c0mplain that their 0ther halves(eg. the Bs) d0 n0t appear affectionate and be there whenever they're d0wn.

1. the Bs simply cant be bothered with As.
2. the As fail t0 realise that they've never given any 0pportunites to the Bs t0 be there whenever they're d0wn. sad but true.

agree? agree?

that's about it.

GD LUCK FOR NATIONALS!!

take me with you
12:17 PM

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

yawns...

i'm exhausted...

as expected we g0t trashed by hc and rj. but i would say the guys did pretty well. th0ugh they l0st, they l0st with pride.

rj's attitude t0tally suck. in terms of sportsmen ship.

sigh...

sad. cuz i l0st my wallet!!! grump. zZz`~ th0ugh it isnt the firs time haa... but still, my ezlink card, the ph0tos, m0ney... and d0nt kn0w what rubbish i've inside as well... sighhh

really h0pe s0me kind soul will find it... s0bx~

nights~ (sigh x100)

take me with you
10:24 AM

Sunday, April 03, 2005

caught house of fury yesterday. 1 w0rd. NICE! muhahaha. especially s0 when feng de lun has a r0le in it. in fact he is the director of that m0vie. n0 w0nder its s0 nice. muahaha...

went swimming this m0rning with bee hoon(who's pathetically unlucky t0day -.-!) and bamb0o. haa. the weather was s0 darn c0ld that we st0pped swimming appr0ximately after an h0ur. 0ur g0ose-bumps were clearly visible manz. haa...

anyway was d0ing ec0ns just n0w. have t0 complete 6 essays. grumpz. since i'd g0tten an F for ec0ns i shan't c0mplain. i dont even have the right t0. s0bz

s0 here i am n0w in fr0nt of the comp with a cup of yoghurt. its non-fat with calcium and fibre whaha!.. oh sharks just reminded me that i'm 159cm n0w. i strunk by 3cm. unbelieveable. i str0ngly believe that the metre ruler is faulty. cuz alm0st every0ne in class strunk. grumps x3. what infuriates me further is...my weight didnt strink instead. grumps x10.

ok i'm mad due to stress and accumulating fats cunningly hidden s0mewhere beneath my skin and flesh. oh whatever.

back t0 chem...

!!!***gd luck f0r nati0nals***!!!

take me with you
2:10 PM

Friday, April 01, 2005

*grins*

finally! 'm able t0 spare s0me time r0tting in fr0nt of the m0nit0r. muhahah...

weekend's almost here which means that squash nati0nals is just ar0und the c0rner. m0nday t0 be exact. arghh. we're split int0 2 gr0ups and 0urs c0nsist 0f ac, sa, hci, sr, jj and tp. we'll be meeting hci on m0nday. muhaha. h0pefully we'll be able to defeat sr, jj and tp. yeps. we've been training hard i guess. we trained till 10pm yesterday okay. and i realised what my pr0blem is. lack 0f c0nfidence and as usual...a lil retarded at times. ARGH. anyway h0pe everything g0es well ar. we'll be missing a c0uple 0f less0ns during the days when there's c0mpetiti0n and i hate t0 admit the fact that i w0uld rather n0t miss th0se less0ns. sigh. but it's n0t within 0ur c0ntrol la. yawnz.

g0t back the results f0r bl0ck test already. and i did acc0rding t0 what i've expected. ec0ns-f. chem-ao. maths-A. hey A as in the grade A okay! n0t an a-level pass! *beams* highest in class okay! actually i expected a B. oh well. the corny part was...i t0ld ms ee the reas0n i g0t f for ec0ns was cuz there wasnt sufficient time t0 study ec0ns and i just merely read my n0tes. then she asked what i banged hard on. frankly speaking i wasn't banging hard on any subjects but i'd to answer her s0mething! cuz the real reas0n why i g0t f f0r ec0ns is cuz...i gave up! only f0r bl0ck test that is. hee. anyway, i said maths cuz i knew my chem w0uldnt get ab0ve an a0. and when i said it was maths, i hadnt kn0w the results yet. thank g0d i got an A. at least i'm able t0 face her! thats m0re imp0rtant. *makes faces* ok en0ugh ab0ut results.

uhhhh

actually there's n0thing else t0 talk ab0ut 0ther than the fact that i'm !!stressed!! HAHA.

i loathe guys wh0 g0 f0r appearances. fagg0ts. s0me0ne 0ught t0 kn0ck s0me sense int0 them. eg0istic fagg0ts. n0 reas0n to respect them. t0tally.

oh ya there's this chem relief teacher DR RAHMAN wh0's taking our class for a week. haha a PhD h0lder okay! but he d0esnt l0ok like one. muhaha. heard he's a gay partner. and he keeps flirting with my classmate. a malay s0ccer player. gr0ss. HAHA. and he threw his temper unnecessarily. n0t at me but i was t0tally turned 0ff but him. cuz he kept repeating the things he'd said earlier 0n. and the things he said had zer0 link know. example :"i d0nt demand an ap0logy but y0u all sh0uld at least have the decency t0 ap0logise!" DIAOZ. then he kept flicking his hand. aiyah dont kn0w how to put it in w0rds. anyway, he's...aiyah whatever. HAHA....

alrighty i'm 0ff.

shall update after the c0mpetit0n. *shivers*

take me with you
10:26 AM